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angie_baby94   is my new live journal account as of 02-10-2013

Black Water

Tonight, I walked out to the lake. I looked into the black water and thought... 'This has to be better than where I'm at.' ... I closed my eyes and I thought about jumping in. 

Those things...

Yeah, this is one of those things I have to do. it won't make sense to you, but it makes a lot of sense to me. That's what matters, right?

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Brighter Today.

When I am having a bad day, I always tell myself there has to be a brighter tomorrow. I always keep hope in mind because that's all I feel I can rely on at times. Hope. Today, I feel like there is more than just hope for tomorrow. I feel as though there is hope today. I hope this feeling stays. <3

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May. 29th, 2011

 My head is pounding and my eyes are burning. This is what I get for holding in my tears, my screams. I don't have any other choice but to, right? What will crying help? Exactly. Nothing. 

I was just beginning to feel good about myself. I was able to look in the mirror and not hate what I saw.. I could smile back at myself without forcing it. That all just disappeared within no more than fifteen seconds. Quick, I know..

What have I eaten today? An apple when I woke up. Four cinnamon sticks before giving blood.  A tuna sandwich after waking up from a nap. And a few chips not too long ago. Not a lot for an entire day. Or, at least I didn't think it was a lot. I felt fine about it. Absolutely fine. I grabbed a small handful of chips from the kitchen and sat with you in the living room. I jokingly made a comment and you began to yell at me for eating so much and how I would never be anything but fat unless I stopped eating "so God dammed much."
 
Thank you, Dad, for tearing my self-esteem down once again. Now, I'm letting these tears flow down my cheeks and muffling my sobs with these pillows. I'll cry now, but tomorrow, I'll be stronger and I'll stop eating as much so I can try to please you..

Taylor Swift - Ours

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=OniajbXAJXE&feature=autoplay&list=WLE1DBC3C15EDF11CC&index=7&playnext=6


Elevator buttons and morning air,
Strangers silence makes me wanna take the stairs.
If you were here we'd laugh about their vacant stares,
But right now my time is theirs.
Seems like there's always someone who disapproves.
They'll judge it like they know about me and you
And the verdict comes from those with nothing else to do
The jury's out, but my choice is you.

(Chorus)
So don't you worry your pretty little mind,
People throw rocks at things that shine
and life makes love look hard.
The stakes are high, the water's rough
But this love is ours.

They never know what people have up their sleeves,
Ghosts from your past gonna jump out at me.
Lurking in the shadows with their lipgloss smiles,
But I don't care.
Cause right now you're mine.
And you'll say

(Chorus)
Don't you worry your pretty little mind,
People throw rocks at things that shine

and life makes love look hard.
The stakes are high, the water's rough
But this love is ours.

And it's not their's to speculate if it's wrong and
Your hands are tough but they are where mine belong in.
I'll fight their doubt and give you faith with this song for you.

Cause I love the gap between your teeth
and I love the riddles that you speak.
And any snide remarks from my father about your tattoos will be ignored
Cause my heart is yours.

(Chorus)
So don't your worry your pretty little mind,
People throw rocks at things that shine
And life makes love look hard.
Don't worry your pretty little mind,
People throw rocks at things that shine
But they can't take what's ours
They can't take what's ours
The stakes are high, the water's rough
But this love is ours.

May. 25th, 2011

Today, I finally realized how right you were. Way back when, you told me that nothing in high school mattered. I argued with you saying that it did. Little did I know at the time I only said that because I was still in my early years of high school and  that was all I could see in my near future. Now, as I am ending my junior year, I see much more. I see myself leaving this town and going back home to go to college. I see myself being happy and getting a job that will, with time, lead to my future career. Unlike before, I can actually see what I want with my future and it doesn't scare me as much as it had before. What do I want? I want to go to Virginia Tech and major in Architecture. I want to live in the mountains in southern Virginia. And, with time, I want to marry the man my heart has belonged to for the longest time and have two beautiful children. High hopes, right? That's okay. I don't expect this to all come about over night. I am prepared to wait and work for these dreams. I know this isn't going to be easy, but that's okay. Honestly, this is still pretty scary. I know what I want with my life and this isn't as terrifying as it could be, but I am still scared stiff. I don't know that I can do this. I'm so scared that I am going to fail and all my dreams will slowly slip away from me. This is a risk I am ready to take, though. Because I know that if I don't at least try, this will all slip away without question. I'm taking a leap of faith with my future and I'm not going to let myself fall.

Momma.. what happened?

I used to look up to you. When I was younger, I was terrified to leave your side - I couldn't even go to sleep overs without crying for you. You and I used to have the most amazing relationship in the world. Out of everybody else, I knew I could always trust you.

Momma.. what happened?

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"I heart deeply and love even deeper."

 I think too much. I let my emotions run wild. My clothes aren't skin tight and I can't walk around in heels. I obsessively clean my room when I get scared of life's twists and turns. - I hate driving on the road's twists and turns but I love to drive. - I worry more than I should and I wear my heart on my sleeve. I don't care nearly as much as I should and I doubt every single thing I do. I love the color red because it reminds me of love. I stay up way too late just to talk to him and try my hardest not to fall asleep in school. I like to make my room cold so I have an excuse to pile blankets on top of me so I won't feel as alone. I'm insecure about every part of myself and I don't think I'll ever be good enough for anybody. I hurt deeply and love even deeper. I cry when he gets upset and I try everything I can not to lose him. My grades drop when I am dealing with heart ache. I love the feeling of the sun beaming down on my bare skin. He is on my mind every second of every day. Music is one of my only releases. I'm way too clumsy for my own good and I love adventure. The moon in the sky on a clear night always gives me hope for tomorrow. Huskies are my favorite dog breed and wolves my favorite animal. I love to watch the weeping willows blow in the wind and the smell of roses makes my heart feel warm.

Most importantly, I love who I am.

May. 15th, 2011

 "Nightmares, nightmares are no fun.
But I'd rather have them than a loaded gun."